Probably one of the hardest things in life is to remove yourself from toxic people especially if they are family. Some people are better at dealing with them and keeping them at arm’s distance. But there are times when it is so extremely unhealthy to have these people in your life that you have to walk away. It is super scary and a very difficult thing to do.
A few years ago I removed a person in my life that was so unhealthy for me that it was making me ill and standing in the way of my mental health and wellness. The relationship was not allowing me to heal. So I made the decision for me to walk away and not continue this relationship. So many times I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I felt like the bad guy and wondered what other family members thought. I fought guilt. But I have a great support system… my husband and children stood behind my decision.
You may be in a place where you have no one whom you feel supports your decision. For that, I am sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult and alone you must feel. But remember you have to do what is best for you. Somewhere along the road in our society we learned that taking care of ourselves is selfish and this can’t be further from the truth. Unfollowing people is not selfish.
But there was an moment, a few months into my decision, that confirmed this was the right decision for me.
My counselor asked, “Do you miss _______?”
Honestly, I could say, “No, its a relief to not have _______ in my life. There is nothing I miss about ______. It is so freeing to be out of this relationship.” That moment curtailed any further doubt about my decision.
Unfollowing people doesn’t mean that you hate or don’t love them. In fact maybe the most loving thing you can do for that person is to walk away. I continue to pray for this person and in my heart I will always love this person, but it doesn’t mean I like or need this person in my life to continue chaos and overstepping my boundaries.
I didn’t explain myself to other family members or many friends and struggled personally with worry and fear about what they thought of me. But over time I have realized that it’s none of their business and that I have to do what’s best for me, not them and their opinion of me.
At first I felt uneasy when people asked me about this person. I didn’t know what or how to say that this person was no longer part of my life. But now, I just simply state, “You know, I don’t know. _____ hasn’t been a part of my life for awhile.” The more I’ve stated this, the easier it gets each time.
There will always be judging people and those who will never understand. You just have to walk away from caring about that. I really feel like the quote, “It’s none of my business what others think of me,” is so fitting here.
I also think about the saying, “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.” But even if you have walked my same mile in my shoes, we are all so different that how you handle and deal with it will be different than me. It’s okay!
About a year ago, my counselor had me go through The Grief Recovery Handbook. At first I thought she was crazy because I think grief counseling is for those who have lost a loved one to death or those who are going through a divorce. This wasn’t me. But what I learned was I needed to grieve and work through that process of what was never to be or ever was in that relationship with this person. It really did help me to continue to work through anger and focus on the positives of this person as well. It didn’t change the relationship but it did change me and how I dealt with the situation.
Today I continue to work on my own health, wellness, and happiness and this situation has contributed to the betterment of these for me. I am not selfish and neither is anyone else who needs to remove a toxic person from his/her life.