Today I don’t want to die…. not like yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that….I just wanted to “check out” of this world and to go heaven and be with Jesus. I am tired of the pain I live with daily called depression and the stress of life and constantly feeling overwhelmed and trying to stay afloat and not drown.
Life once again had become too much to bear and was no longer worth living so I wanted to die. I was having suicidal ideations of how I was going to kill myself and get out of this world. Of course it is all at the same time relieving and scary. Relieving because I have an answer to end the pain but also scary because I don’t want to act on it and do this to my kids- leave them motherless and leave them in this world with a legacy that their mother killed herself.
I love my family-my husband, my sister, my mom, my friends, my cousins and I know they love me. This sounds selfish and maybe hard hearted but even our love for each other isn’t enough to keep me on this earth or stop me from killing myself. It’s my love for my kids- it’s the only thing that has stopped me from the times I’ve ever been so close to doing it. Their love is what gets me help.
The nurse who admitted me into the mental health unit this time said, “Thank God it’s your kids! You are lucky you have something to live for. So many don’t.”
I am lucky that I do have something that keeps me living…I worry what will happen to me when they are all grown up and won’t need me anymore. Maybe then I’ll want to live for my grandkids. One of my friends tells me I need to learn to live for myself. My husband says my kids will alway need their mother. But I’m worried that this illness will be my demise. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to keep fighting for the rest of my life.
Oh sweet Brooke…my heart hurts. Hurts knowing you have been in this much pain. I wish there was something I could do to help… just know I admire you, your faith, and your honesty in sharing this part of yourself. I pray for strength for you to endure those times that push you to the edge..and I have faith our Heavenly Father is and will always be at your side giving you that strength and courage you need during those dark times. Love you Brookie!