“For some reason, we are truly convinced that if we criticize ourselves, the criticism will lead to change. If we are harsh, we believe we will end up being kind. If we shame ourselves, we believe we end up loving ourselves. It has never been true, not for a moment, that shame leads to love. ONLY LOVE LEADS TO LOVE.” Geneen Roth
Ever since I can remember I have put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and had little self-compassion! Probably because I am a type A personality and I also felt that those around me expected the same from me. It has been a long 43 years of reversing that expectation and postulation.
I also learned that in order to get things done or motivate someone, you guilted or shamed them into doing it. I often heard growing up, “If you love me, you’ll (some action).” When I got married, early on, I tried shaming my spouse into doing things like chores or what I wanted him to do, and I learned quickly that didn’t work! It was a shock because that’s what I had learned and how my family worked. Anger was also a big motivator in my childhood home. I thought that’s how it was done. Boy was I wrong!
So it makes perfect sense that my self talk was also full of little self-compassion and full of shame and anger to motivate me to change. That was the worst thing I could do to myself because it only made me feel worse and actually had the opposite affect. But it’s what I have done for the bulk of my life even though it didn’t work…it was what I knew and a habit.
I also struggle with anger and I’ve since found out through years of therapy that my anger is really a mask and actually disappointment and sadness. As a child, I felt I was not able to be sad or disappointed. Instead of someone taking me into their arms, letting me cry and talk about it like I really needed, sadness and disappointment was looked down upon and I was sent to my room out of punishment for displaying these things. So of course I didn’t know how to have self-compassion especially during these times.
The last ten years have been a time of undoing the 34 years of not practicing or having self-compassion. And when I heard about self-compassion it was an “aha” moment and a huge relief to know that I didn’t need to continue beating myself up internally. It still has taken me lots of practice to undo what I learned, knew, and practiced for so many years.
What is self-compassion? Well it’s treating yourself the way you would treat another person that you have compassion for. Instead of self-judging, its self-kindness. Instead of isolation, it’s common humanity. Instead of over-identification, it’s mindfulness.
Now when I find myself sad, disappointed, angry or imperfect I talk to myself and acknowledge my feelings. It may sound something like this, “Brooke I see that you are sad/disappointed and I’m so sorry. It really stinks. It’s okay to cry about it. Life can be tough but you are strong and will get through this.” I allow myself to feel these feelings and validate myself. I also stay positive with and talk kindly to myself.
It will take some practice to put this into play and requires a lot of unlearning old habits, so take baby steps. You will find that self-compassion will improve your life and mental health!
Self-compassion is not self-esteem and the following video explains the difference. This Ted talk about self-compassion is amazing and definitely worth the 19 minutes…maybe the best 19 minutes you will spend today.
Here are some great articles:
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/self-compassion-self-love/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways-to-practice-self-compassion-when-you-have-depression/
https://www.hopetocope.com/self-compassion-the-kindness-cure/
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/self-compassion-exercises-worksheets/
“Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” Pema Chodron