Here I am again, March 27, 2019, walking into the mental health ward at Saint Joseph’s Hospital in Tacoma as a patient for a second time. I seriously thought I’d never be here again and yet I am. This time I am all alone…Brian is in Arkansas on a business trip… thankfully my sister was with me for hours in the ER as I waited to be admitted here but now she is with my son as he is having his senior pictures being taken right now. I am suppose to be with him…but instead, my major depression has once again robbed me of so much of my life like it has for over twenty years. I want to die and instead of being with my son sharing this special day with him, I am here….because if I am not, I will die.
“Well, at least this time I’m walking in whereas last time I was rolled in on a gurney by EMT. These are all improvements, right?” I reassure myself. It’s definitely less dramatic.
I’m disappointed in myself and honestly a bit ashamed to be back here…it’s as if I’m a failure to be here once again.
The place looks exactly the same as it did almost two and a half years ago….October 2016. I see familiar faces in staff members which is a bit comforting. Some of them recognize me which is a double edged sword…comforting and embarrassing.
I’m definitely not as terrified this time and I know what to expect but I’m honestly sad that my room isn’t in the same unit/quad or I don’t see the same patients that I bonded with previously. They aren’t here to support or comfort me and anxiety begins to settle in because I will have to start from scratch meeting new people and explaining my story and history not only to other patients but to new staff as well. It’s exhausting to tell why I am here and to explain my story and my life.
Will I get along and mesh with everyone here and how will this compare to my previous experience? Will I get the help I so desperately need and want like I did the first time? Will the doctors and staff help me want to live? Will I survive and beat my illness?
(I wanted to honestly write how I felt the day I was admitted and these were my recollections of it the day after… March 28, 2019)
Side note: On March 28th, 2019, I saw Dr. Kinney, who happened to be my psychiatrist here the first time in 2016. He also remembered me and it was good to have the same doctor who knew my history. He reassured me that it was nothing to be ashamed of to be here again. He said it was quite common for patients to be here multiple times and to think of it as a tune-up or a reset. While here Dr. Kinney reminded me that major depression is a mental illness, life-long that has no cure but it can be managed. It is no different than having something like diabetes or cancer. Actually I have heard this before and I simply got teary- eyed because I’m exhausted from living with this illness of the mind. While I don’t mean to be a downer, I’m just speaking my truth at this time…I’m exhausted…I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy…
Oh honey….I pray you find peace and harmony in this battle. You are far from a failure. You have two beautiful children and a lovely life. Sometimes we just need some help and to fine tune the tools in our box. You’ve got this! So thankful you have the love and support to get you the resources to reboot yourself. Much love 💗
Yes, I am getting the help I need. I do have wonderful life and support from family and friends but this demon is awful…it does not discriminate. This was written the day after I went back in the hospital and I no longer feel like a failure. This will be a life-long battle and I’m taking it one day at a time; Right now sometimes one minute at a time. Thanks for your words of encouragement!
I know this is hard for you but I want you to know I am always just a phone call away and I pray you reach out to me during both bad and good times! I get it but it hurts that you feel all alone when I’m right here and will be always. However I’m thankful you’re still here!
Looking back I know I could have reached out to you Woogena or a few others who would have gladly come and been with me in the hospital when my sister couldn’t but in the moment there was still so much shame I was struggling with. I pray that there will never be another time, but if I ever get so low again I hope that I will reach out to you because I know that so many care and want to be there for me. I know you are only a phone call away and would be there in a heart beat.
That’s really all I needed to hear. That you know you have a safe place whether you use it or not. I’m thankful for your children as tha Nurse said if they keep you living than that’s better than nothing at all. Depression is ugly and comes in many forms. It’s learning ways to cope that’s difficult! You are doing and being the best you you can be everyday! 🖤💛