Month: November 2018

“For some reason, we are truly convinced that if we criticize ourselves, the criticism will lead to change. If we are harsh, we believe we will end up being kind. If we shame ourselves,  we believe we end up loving ourselves. It has never been true, not for a moment, that shame leads to love. ONLY LOVE LEADS TO LOVE.”  Geneen Roth

Ever since I can remember I have put so  much pressure on myself to be perfect and had little self-compassion! Probably because I am a type A personality and I also felt that those around me expected the same from me. It has been a long 43 years of reversing that expectation and postulation.

I also learned that in order to get things done or motivate someone, you guilted or shamed them into doing it. I often heard growing up, “If you love me, you’ll (some action).”  When I got married, early on, I tried shaming my spouse into doing things like chores or what I wanted him to do, and I learned quickly that didn’t work! It was a shock because that’s what I had learned and how my family worked. Anger was also a big motivator in my childhood home. I thought that’s how it was done. Boy was I wrong!

So it makes perfect sense that my self talk was also full of little self-compassion and full of shame and anger to motivate me to change. That was the worst thing I could do to myself because it only made me feel worse and actually had the opposite affect. But it’s what I have done for the bulk  of my life even though it didn’t work…it was what I knew and a habit.

I also struggle with anger and I’ve since found out through years of therapy that my anger is really a mask and actually disappointment and sadness. As a child, I felt I was not able to be sad or disappointed.  Instead of someone taking me into their arms, letting me cry and talk about it like I really needed,  sadness and disappointment was looked down upon and I was sent to my room out of punishment for displaying these things. So of course I didn’t know how to have self-compassion especially during these times.

The last ten years have been a time of undoing the 34 years of not practicing or having self-compassion. And when I heard about self-compassion it was an “aha” moment and a huge relief to know that I didn’t need to continue beating myself up internally. It still has taken me lots of practice to undo what I learned, knew, and practiced for so many years.

What is self-compassion? Well it’s treating yourself the way you would treat another person that you have compassion for. Instead of self-judging, its self-kindness. Instead of isolation, it’s common humanity. Instead of over-identification, it’s mindfulness.

Now when I find myself sad, disappointed, angry or imperfect I talk to myself and acknowledge my feelings.  It may sound something like this, “Brooke I see that you are sad/disappointed and I’m so sorry. It really stinks. It’s okay to cry about it. Life can be tough but you are strong and will get through this.” I allow myself to feel these feelings and validate myself. I also stay positive with and talk kindly to myself.

It will take some practice to put this into play and requires a lot of unlearning old habits, so take baby steps. You will find that self-compassion will improve your life and mental health!

Self-compassion is not self-esteem and the following video explains the difference. This Ted talk about self-compassion is amazing and definitely worth the 19 minutes…maybe the best 19 minutes you will spend today.

 

Here are some great articles:

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/self-compassion-self-love/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways-to-practice-self-compassion-when-you-have-depression/

https://www.hopetocope.com/self-compassion-the-kindness-cure/

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/self-compassion-exercises-worksheets/

“Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” Pema Chodron

I’ve always told my kids that the best thing about moving so many times is all of the amazing people we meet who become our friends. If we had stayed put in one place, we never would have met these people and what a loss that would be!

Moving is never easy and I always go through a mourning period at my new location. I mourn my former life…the job, the friends, the home, the community, our family routine, etc…what my life was like.

It’s exciting and scary all at the same time when establishing myself and our family in a new place.  How long will it take to meet people and make friends? Who will we meet? How will we get involved in the community? Will I work, if so, where?

When I think back to moving to Gig Harbor,  honestly the first four months weren’t easy. (I tend to forget because we love Gig Harbor so much). We left Albany after living there for over 7 years and it really was where my kids spent their elementary school years. I left a job that I absolutely loved (story of my life) and an amazing core group of friends, many whom I also considered my spiritual mentors. I grew so much in the Lord when I lived in Albany.

I chose not to work for awhile in Gig Harbor and so after putting the  house in order, painting the rooms, and decorating how I wanted, I was lonely. It didn’t help that at the same time, my then 8th grade son did a 180. He had always been a loving, affectionate momma’s boy who talked to me about everything. Well he grew up, acted as though he didn’t need me anymore, and truth be told detested me. Needless to say it broke my heart. Not only was I mourning my previous life, but I was mourning the loss of my little boy.

I remember evenings crying in my husband’s arms missing my old life and wondering if I’d ever establish a new life just as wonderful here. Sure enough, it didn’t take long for all of us to meet people and make friends. When it was time again  for us to move, I did not want to leave the friendships that I’d established in just three short years; It hurts your heart to say goodbye. And so my cycle began again with a 7th move with Brian.

I guess the toughest part about living here in North Carolina is that it has been THE most difficult place to meet people and make friends. My kids and I don’t usually have too much trouble with that and we usually start making friends within the first few months. Well this has been the exception to the rule.  It’s a beautiful place but I believe that the people make the place. For me and my family, it has been lacking…It’s a place where we don’t feel like we exist.

But God is good…He rekindled our friendship with Carol (who worked with Brian when we lived in Albany), and I would not have survived without our lunch dates and her assistance in getting settled here.

About 8 months ago I met an amazing lady here in New Bern and she instantly “saw” me and my family in a place where we feel invisible. One day she invited this lonely me to lunch. Immediately she became a heart friend and I felt like I had known her forever! This was a divine appointment from above! I’m not sure I would have survived the past few months without her friendship. God knew that more than ever during this time I needed a heart friend and Kim is this to me. In fact, I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to her in 60 days.

There is something to be said about being surrounded by people to enjoy life with…loneliness is no way to live. I am grateful to the Lord above for all of the incredible people I call friends that I have in my life. I am so blessed and appreciative because it makes my life that much more fulfilling.

 

Probably one of the hardest things in life is to remove yourself from toxic people especially if they are family. Some people are better at dealing with them and keeping them at arm’s distance. But there are times when it is so extremely unhealthy to have these people in your life that you have to walk away. It is super scary and a very difficult thing to do.

A few years ago I removed a person in my life that was so unhealthy for me that it was making me ill and standing in the way of my mental health and wellness. The relationship was not allowing me to heal. So I made the decision for me to walk away and not continue this relationship.  So many times I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I felt like the bad guy and wondered what other family members thought. I fought guilt. But I have a great support system… my husband and children stood behind my decision.

You may be in a place where you have no one whom you feel supports your decision. For that, I am sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult and alone you must feel. But remember you have to do what is best for you. Somewhere along the road in our society we learned that taking care of ourselves is selfish and this can’t be further from the truth. Unfollowing people is not selfish.

But there was an moment, a few months into my decision, that confirmed this was the right decision for me.

My counselor asked, “Do you miss _______?”

Honestly, I could say, “No, its a relief to not have _______ in my life. There is nothing I miss about ______. It is so freeing to be out of this relationship.” That moment curtailed any further doubt about my decision.

Unfollowing people doesn’t mean that you hate or don’t love them. In fact maybe the most loving thing you can do for that person is to walk away. I continue to pray for this person and in my heart I will always love this person, but it doesn’t mean I like or need this person in my life to continue chaos and overstepping my boundaries.

I didn’t explain myself to other family members or many friends and struggled personally with worry and fear about what they thought of me. But over time I have realized that it’s none of their business and that I have to do what’s best for me, not them and their opinion of me.

At first I felt uneasy when people asked me about this person. I didn’t know what or how to say that this person was no longer part of my life. But now, I just simply state, “You know, I don’t know. _____ hasn’t been a part of my life for awhile.” The more I’ve stated this, the easier it gets each time.

There will always be judging people and those who will never understand. You just have to walk away from caring about that. I really feel like the quote, “It’s none of my business what others think of me,” is so fitting here.

I also think about the saying, “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.” But even if you have walked my same mile in my shoes, we are all so different that how you handle and deal with it will be different than me. It’s okay!

About a year ago, my counselor had me go through The Grief Recovery Handbook. At first I thought she was crazy because I think grief counseling is for those who have lost a loved one to death or those who are going through a divorce. This wasn’t me. But what I learned was I needed to grieve and work through that process of what was never to be or ever was  in that relationship with this person. It really did help me to continue to work through anger and focus on the positives of this person as well. It didn’t change the relationship but it did change me and how I dealt with the situation.

Today I continue to work on my own health, wellness, and happiness and this situation has contributed to the betterment of these for me. I am not selfish and neither is anyone else who needs to remove a toxic person from his/her life.

 

Secrets as defined by Webster’s Dictionary: something kept from the knowledge of others or shared only confidentially with a few;  something kept hidden or unexplained

I am talking about those important, huge, imposing secrets that are so magnificent that they settle themselves onto our shoulders and weigh us down.

I’ve been saying for years that secrets create and sustain sickness.  There really is no good purpose to deep, heavy, dark secrets. Secrets are the salt in the wounds of life and never allow for true healing.  Keeping secrets allows the wound to still remain open, festering, and oozing with hurt and pain. Putting secrets into the light takes their power away and allows for true transformation and healing.

I believe so strongly about the damage of secrets and yet I’ve been so hypocritical for many years hiding secrets so deep in the recesses of my soul that it has led to my further illness. Secrets have sucked the life out of me and stolen my soul. They haven’t  allowed me to be authentic, transparent, and healthy. I’m exhausted and I can’t give secrets power over me any longer.

We don’t shatter secrets for many reasons, the main reason being it is so scary to share our truths. We figuratively stand before others naked with nothing to hide behind. Revealing secrets can often times show ourselves in unflattering or unbecoming ways and maybe we’re not ready to feel shame. It’s terrifying.

Another reason we don’t share secrets  is because we worry about the repercussions…sure it may have been cathartic to release this two ton monster off of your back…but once truth is spoken, it will most likely change your future. Not only your future, but most likely someone else’s, too. And how do we go forward and deal with this revealed secret?

For anyone who has known me a long time, you know that I am a terrible keeper of “trivial” secrets…and in general I don’t like secrets or surprises…I like to know everything and can’t keep it contained! From blabbing secrets told to me by my best friends in  school to begging my sister to tell me about my Christmas gifts, I’m a lousy secret keeper.

But when it comes to some secrets, I’m the master gatekeeper and have never unlocked the gate. A couple years back I revealed for the very first time, at the age of 41, one of those secrets that had never seen the light of day. It was terrifying, upsetting, and extremely difficult. But the true, continued healing of this secret was not completed until I shared it with another family member recently. Minutes before revealing, that secret caused panic, sobbing, nausea, physical weakness, and literally my husband holding and consoling me. I literally had to go through physical pain before I was able to talk.

I kept saying, “I can’t do this!” and yet inside I knew I had to  and now was the time.  I am still working on completing the healing  but this recent revelation was like the stitches finally being sewn into my wound.  This secret has been dispelled and is no longer causing sickness in my life. What a relief!

Now I’m not sharing this to “toot my own horn” or say “Look at me and do what I do!”  But I’m writing this specific blog to help those of you out there who have a secret that is causing and sustaining sickness in your life. Take an honest look at yourself. You may not be ready to dethrone that secret and that’s perfectly okay. Your journey is your own and no two are the same. Just ask yourself, “What needs to be revealed for me to live my best life?”

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“Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me” (Psalm 30:2).

Much of our hidden pain is due to incomplete spiritual, emotional, and physical healing. The Lord we serve is the greatest Doctor and He can heal us in ways we could’ve never imagined. We must pray and seek His healing touch for our hidden hurts. Healing is possible because God heals in His perfect way and timing.
Read more: https://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/6-important-reasons-to-bring-hidden-hurts-to-god-for-healing/#ixzz5WMQzPwmr

I Am the Face of Mental Illness

Shocked? Never would have guessed? Yea, so was the world when they heard about Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain losing their battles to mental illness in May!

Well it’s my truth and I’m tired of keeping secrets. Secrets create and contribute to sickness. The truth is freeing and healing and I’m ready to share my story.

I am the face of mental illness…a warrior who has fought major depression and anxiety for over 20 years….taker of countless depression meds, patient of therapists too many to count, patient on suicide watch in an in-patient facility…. all while hiding and keeping the façade to the world that I had it all together. Oh, I thought I was good at hiding it for years, but many of you saw the cracks. The deception only further contributed in allowing my illness to win.

It’s exhausting to hide….to be inauthentic. But why do we continue to do it? Because we are scared of your judgement and fear your inability to understand or relate. It takes a long time for us to accept our illness…we don’t want to admit that we are mentally ill.  We are ashamed to show our illness because we’ve been taught that mental illness is shameful. We are scared to be called “crazy” and fear you will think we can “go off the deep end” any second. So much ignorance and stigma in our country continues to push us into darkness and hiding.

You don’t judge people who battle illnesses of the body like cancer, heart disease, diabetes, etc. When are we going to accept that illnesses of the brain are also illnesses of the body? When are we going to come along-side victims of mental illness with compassion and love the exact same way we come along-side those who are dying from other illnesses? Mental illness kills and we are seeing it take more victims each and every day. We have to do something differently to save lives!

Mental illness does not discriminate…. It is your neighbor, your co-worker, your friend, your family. More often than not, it is the person who appears to have it all together… the person who is successful by the world’s standards. Mental illness doesn’t care if you are rich, poor, old, young, black, white, any color in between, doctor, fast food worker, christian, atheist…It DOES NOT discriminate….no one is untouchable.

Why now am I sharing? Why am I revealing my deepest, darkest daily struggles? Why don’t I care how you will judge me? Why am I putting this out here despite how it may affect my personal life, my career, my family from this day forward? Because I understand. Because I’m sick and tired of the mental health stigma and the ignorance surrounding it. Because I am an advocate for better mental health care in our country. Because I just can’t stand by while more people die!

If you have people in your life who you know struggle with mental illness, contact them regularly, let them know that you care, be there for them any time of day or night, get them the help they need even when they can’t do it for themselves! You too can make a difference.

If you are the face of mental illness also, I am here…reach out to me for support. If you need help right now, call 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Hotline) or text “home” to 741741.

I am Brooke Chaney and I am the Face of Mental Illness.

Did my title get your attention? Did you think, “Whoa, she’s going to touch this topic?” Be honest, did you cringe or did you get a little uncomfortable. Well good!

More people than you can imagine who surround you every day suffer from mental illness wether it be Bipolar, Depression, Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality  Disorder, etc…It may be the cashier at your grocery store, the bank teller, your neighbor, your friend , or your sister.

There are so many people out in our world who are fighting silent battles of mental illness we know nothing about. They are scared to share because they don’t want to be “labeled” or judged.

When I was in the psych ward at St. Joe’s in Tacoma two years ago, I had an enlightening experience. One day at lunch time the majority of the patients were in the commons area. We were allowed to have visitors and one patient had a friend come into the facility to visit.

The visitor looked around the room and announced, “So this is the crazy house!”

My heart sank; I looked around at the other patients and their heads dropped and their faces showed shame. Then my blood started boiling. How could this man say this right in front of us human beings who are needing and seeking help! I began shaking…here I was… a fragile person doing THE hardest thing in my life…seeking the desperate treatment I needed to save my life and once again being judged. This man did not know us nor our stories. He was judging us by simply being here. Would he have said something so awful to the patients in a cancer ward?  HELL NO!

So I gathered myself and courage and went directly to one of my therapists and told her exactly what happened as tears streamed down my face. She thanked me for telling her and said how sorry she was. She was going to talk to this man about his behavior. The sadness and pain this man brought on wasn’t really about me, it was for all the patients in the ward.

Those of us that suffer with mental illness are not crazy. We can live normal lives when we get the much needed medical treatment. We have an illness and that ILLNESS IS NOT WHO WE ARE!

As the visitor was leaving the ward, the therapist walked him out and confronted him. The gentleman was very apologetic and also said he knew the minute it came out of his mouth, it was so wrong. I think he was nervous being there and was trying to be funny (even tho it wasn’t). Many of us deal with uncomfortableness with humor even when it’s not appropriate…just human nature. I understand how nervous this first time visitor must have been. It’s not easy to step foot into a psych ward especially after all of the incorrect stereotypes that have seeped into our minds.  But as I reflect on this incident I realize how much this visitor must have cared about his friend. He was brave to come see him in this “unknown, scary” setting.

As a mother, at first I didn’t want my high school and middle school children to visit me here. I even had family members advise against my kids coming. I didn’t want them to see me in this setting.

But after talking to my psychologist there, he asked me this,” Do you think there is a stigma on mental illness? Do you want to keep contributing to this stigma?”

My definite answer was, “Yes our society is still ignorant about mental illness and I don’t want to keep contributing to the stigma. I want it to stop.”

As soon as I stated that, I knew I needed my kids to come. They needed to not only see me but everyone else here. I wanted them to see that it affects every type of person you can possibly imagine.   They were better off seeing their mom safe in a great place getting excellent care than the unknown and what their minds were possibly playing out. My children must understand mental illness; They too are so deeply affected by it as my son and daughter. I don’t want them to be scared to talk about or understand mental illness. They now have open minds and hearts!

So what are your ideas and thoughts about mental illness or the people who live with it every single day? What can you do to stop the stigma in our society?